About the Post

Author Information

Brandon Andress is the author of AND THEN THE END WILL COME! (April 2013) and Unearthed: How Discovering the Kingdom of God Will Transform the Church and Change the World (2010). He lives in Columbus, Indiana and writes for his popular blogs Brandon Andress and A Joyful Procession. Brandon earned his MBA from Indiana Wesleyan University and his BA in Psychology from Hanover College. He loves the outdoors, hiking, camping, and traveling. For more information visit: www.andthentheendwillcome.com

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3 Things I Want My Son to Know About Porn…

I never thought I would ever write anything with the title- 3 Things I Want My Son to Know About Porn.

But, after being caught off guard and completely surprised nearly two years ago with my first son, the reality of him growing up in an era supersaturated in sex hit me like a ton of bricks.

Hardcore pornography is as accessible as a Google search.

Sexting is as easy as exchanging cell numbers.

Virtual sex with robots is a reality just around the corner.

And that is the world in which my son will learn to be a man.

And it makes me pause.

This is the world in which my son will begin to learn whether people have value or not.

This is the world in which my son will begin to learn whether women are beautifully created beings or objects to exploit.

This is the world in which my son will begin to learn whether relationships and commitment are valuable and worth prioritizing or if they are antiquated ideas that are not worth working for.

This is the world in which my son will begin to learn whether making God, or himself, the center of his life is more important.

After reading an article last year describing one mother’s account of how an addiction to Internet porn began to drastically change the character and personality of her 11-year old boy, I began to realize the important role I will need to play in my son’s life in how he views people, women, relationships, himself, and God.

The truth is that our sons will need godly wisdom, practical guidance, and constant prayers in order to navigate through this increasingly dangerous minefield. And they will need both men and women who will teach and demonstrate a better way that is fulfilling, abundant, and full of life.

I want to be a part of that important movement for the sake of our sons and daughters.

And this is my first contribution toward making that a reality. Although this is not what I will say verbatim to my son as he gets older, these are certainly the ideas that I plan to share with him at the right time.

Porn will make you think less of yourself and others

Porn will put you at the very center.

It will promise to give you fulfillment without requiring any sacrifice or effort on your part.

And it will sound like the best deal in the world.

But here is what you should know- It is a complete lie.

The truth is that being at the center of your own world, getting what you want out of situations or people, and thinking only about your own fleeting pleasure at the expense of others… is a place of tremendous emptiness and hollowness.

And that is the sad and unfortunate pathway of porn.

It makes you self-centered.

It gives you want you want, any time you want it, at the expense of other people and relationships.

And it makes people nothing more than objects who exist for you.

That kind of existence is completely opposite of fulfillment.

In every way that being God-centered makes you whole, reminds you that you are loved, fills you with life, and helps you see the beauty and value of other human beings… porn will fracture you, will strain or break your relationships, will make you feel hatred toward yourself and others, and will leave you empty and void.

Porn will create an ever-increasing hunger for more

Looking at porn may begin out of curiosity…and that may satisfy you for a while.

But once a small peek no longer thrills or excites you… you will hunger for more.

And this is how so many men become enslaved to porn.

And why so many men spend so many hours viewing it each week.

And why so many men spend so much money on it.

And why so many men can’t escape it, even when they get married.

It creates an ever-increasing appetite that must be fed. And unfortunately, for some men, the appetite becomes so great that not even their wives can fill it.

The truth about porn is that it will always leave you hungry and wanting more… because it is not real nourishment. And though it may appear to satisfy your appetite, it never will.

True nourishment that satisfies our every appetite comes from God alone. And it is God who then works through our committed relationships to give us fulfillment and joy and satisfaction as we have never experienced it before.

Porn creates unfair expectations for your future wife

Porn is not real life.

It is a manufactured idea of sex.

So when you view pornography, this manufactured idea of sex will become your own idea of how sexual intimacy is supposed to be with your wife.

And that is unfair.

Your wife will be compared to every woman in every video you have ever watched.

The sexual performance of your wife will be compared to every woman in every video you have ever watched.

The sexual expectations you have of your wife will be shaped by every woman in every video you have ever watched.

Plain and simple.

And I can’t think of very many things that are as objectifying and dehumanizing toward women, especially the one you love.

But that is what porn does.

It creates an unfair comparison and places unfair expectations on the woman to whom you will one day give an oath to faithfully love.

A much more beautiful relationship is one in which two people come together in marriage without expectations or comparisons.

Of course there are more than 3 things a dad, or a mom, could share with his or her son about porn. So what would you share with your son? What about your daughters?

I look forward to this important discussion.

Read the next post in this series here- A Father’s Letter to His Daughters…

Also read 3 Reasons Every Mother Needs to Talk to Her Son About Porn

peace…

brandon

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115 Comments on “3 Things I Want My Son to Know About Porn…”

  1. brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    Reblogged this on brandonandress.

    • Craig February 6, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

      Thank you for this post! Porn has been an issue for me in the past. It started as you said, out of curiosity. But it became a burden that could not be overcome without God and a supportive and loving wife (girlfriend at that time). It hurt relationships and made me feel like less of a man. It is still a battle, and always will be. We are bombarded by sexuality in almost every aspect of the media these days. I have 2 sons and I want them to become godly men, respectful and loving husbands and eventually loving fathers.

      Thank you for this tool. I will use it when the time comes. They are only 5 and 2 right now..but I know that the innocence does not last as long these days…

      Sincerely,

      Craig

    • juanrbalboa February 11, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

      Great message for my boys! Thanks for saying it so succinctly!

    • Tessa April 18, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

      I so greatly appreciate this. Thank you. Very timely.

    • bree July 26, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

      A Book called “Jesus and Porn” Is a great book to read!

  2. Amy February 1, 2013 at 8:25 am #

    This is a good conversation starter, & the points you make about how women are portrayed in porn couldn’t be more accurate. The thing is, women/girls continue to be “used” in ways that are crazy…. it’s 2013 for crying out loud. Remember the Hardee’s commercials a few short yrs. ago advertising their new angus burgers? I work in the energy business & am exposed to a lot of convenience store ads. Want to be outraged? See how some cigars are displayed in print ads. It is crazy!!! Sex sells-period, & nothing is more innate & basic than that drive, so I’m not sure we’ll ever see a change. As parents, we just have to do as you’re suggesting, Brandon, & lead our children in the right direction. Thanks for sharing.

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 8:28 am #

      you nailed it amy.. and it is sad. i am hoping that the sphere of influence (at a minimum) is my son. if i can help him steer away from some pitfalls that many men fall into… then it will be a great success of my life. thanks for reading and the dialogue!

  3. Mom February 1, 2013 at 9:34 am #

    I think that you also need to write about daughters and how they should respect their bodies. We also need to pray for these young girls and women that have not chosen this for themselves. There is so much sex slavery out there, we just really need to pray for such a sinful world that will not get any better.

  4. sarahssundry February 1, 2013 at 10:43 am #

    Amen Brandon! My son is the same age and we’ve been thinking the same things. You can hardly turn on the TV today without seeing something that is depressingly close to porn. The days will not bring a turn back to modesty and we are going to have to fight to help our kids be as pure as they can. (Sadly, I’ve been told a bubble is out of the question.) Thank-you for this wonderful post. I couldn’t have said it better myself!

  5. cwagganer February 1, 2013 at 11:00 am #

    Fantastic article, thank you!

  6. kevinjandt February 1, 2013 at 11:06 am #

    Wonderful article Brandon. Thank you and praise God. Kevin

  7. Charmin Coy February 1, 2013 at 11:26 am #

    This is a great article, Brandon. Very true. I once told my teen nephew that he must guard his mind with regard to images (like porn on the internet) because once an image has entered your brain, you cannot get it out of there. Porn desensitizes us and you are right, it makes you then look for the next thing that will excite you. Serial killers will even confess that porn is where they started out getting thrills but then it escalates to more.
    An eye-opening moment for me was when I was simply looking up a website for a restaurant in Franklin and my 5 year old was standing by my side looking at the computer screen with me, when suddenly a full screen picture of a woman (very vulgar)
    apppeared and he saw it too! I quickly tried to hide it, but he saw it. I was outraged!
    The sight name I chose was the same as a restaruant name (a lady’s name) and
    without warning this image came up!!! I think the dialogue with our kids about porn
    needs to come early. and we must be vigilent in putting blocks in place and monitoring
    our kids’ electronic use. Thanks for your courage to discuss these tough subjects.

  8. Greg (I guess I am Canadian now ...) February 1, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    It seems like there should be an alternate title to this article – 3 THINGS I WANT MY FRIEND TO KNOW ABOUT PORN – and then another one, which is so much more important – 3 THINGS I CAN NEVER FORGET ABOUT PORN.
    I read the article you linked in your post and then the comments below it and it stunned me how foolish people are who in one way or another try to excuse the degradation of human value and beauty as just a way to “learn” and “explore” … but then how could I expect anything else – blindness has a way of imagining its own (un)reality.
    My boys are growing up fast (they are 5 and 8 in like a month! Can you believe it! It’s been so long since we played basketball in Poland …) and they learn a lot about the world and what matters most from me. So yea, these are the 3 things I always need to remember, and then there are some more, so that our conversations about meaning, beauty, life, sex would never reek of hypocrisy but have a real life scent to them.

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

      I love your comment Greg. there is no question that this post could/should/ought to have alternate titles. I am thinking it would be a good idea to write a couple more in this series. I will keep you posted! I hope that we can see you guys again soon!

  9. Jason Rogers February 1, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

    Brandon,

    (A friend saw this link on FB and forwarded it to me…)

    Good read, and I agree that it’s a good conversation starter. Without a right relationship to women, a man can never have a right relationship with God (and vice versa for women). We see it right in the Garden of Eden! Even so, Lord Jesus, come quickly.

  10. Stacy Findley February 1, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    This is probably my favorite article that you have written.

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

      awesome! thanks for reading it Stacy! good to hear from you.

  11. Andrew February 1, 2013 at 4:37 pm #

    Brandon,
    Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write this!
    I am 21 years old and have had my fill of ups and downs in this area. The only true freedom and victory I can say really and truly works is Jesus Christ himself. This issue of porn I have discovered is way bigger then me, and the sex drive for a young man is a constant battle. Praise be to God that there IS victory to be had in this area, only through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I have tried on my own, only to fail miserably. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this issue of purity in young men. Please fight and pray for young men as a whole to fight and protect their own purity and learn to be a one woman man from the heart… Even while single. I would love your prayers.
    May the Father bless you as you continue to seek His will,
    Andrew

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

      thanks Andrew for the response. you hit the nail on the head- it is only through Jesus that we can truly find freedom and liberation from porn. the part we too often leave out is “picking up our crosses daily.” I have found that, for me, spiritual disciplines like prayer and fasting allow the Spirit to work in ways I have never seen before. of course there is not a cookie cutter approach to any of this… but spiritual discipline is certainly something christians need more of. I hope to write a post in this series about some of the stuff you mentioned. thanks for reading and for your contribution. peace… brandon

  12. Jim February 1, 2013 at 4:52 pm #

    As a former youth minister, I could see this well thought out article and the follow-ups being developed into a series of lessons titled “What I Want My Youth Group To Know About Porn.”
    Thanks for sharing!

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

      hey Jim… if I wasn’t up to my ears with writing that would be a great idea. no doubt it is desperately needed. thanks for reading and contributing. peace… brandon

  13. Scott February 1, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    Brandon,

    What age do you think is appropriate to have a talk like this with a boy? I have a 10 year old who I think it may be time to discuss this with.

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

      great question Scott. I am sure there are a lot of variables to prayerfully consider, but ten seems just about right. there may be some folks who say that is either too soon or too late… but my guess is that you know best as the dad. thanks for reading and being a part of the solution. peace… brandon

  14. Tim Ogle February 1, 2013 at 5:49 pm #

    Reblogged this on Becoming a Follower and commented:
    Brandon Andress articulates what I want my son to know. Perhaps you want your son to know it also.

    3 Things I Want My Son To Know About Porn…

  15. Nancy Galey February 1, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    Brandon,You have certainly grown into a super Christian Dad. Thanks for your thoughts and words of wisdom .

    • brandonandress February 1, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

      I sure do appreciate that nancy. it means a lot and there is no doubt that me following Jesus has a lot to do with people like you who poured out into so many young people. I am sure I speak for many of those kids who are now adults. thank you!

  16. Vicky Hensley February 1, 2013 at 8:15 pm #

    There are some really good accountability programs out there for any parents who want to be proactive with their child’s internet activity. I think the one I obtained from the Indiana Christian Youth Convention was xxxchurch.com and you can go to their website and download the free the program. The program is designed to send the parent an email of all questionable websites your child looks at daily. The parent has to sign download and register their email.

  17. Lisa February 2, 2013 at 12:01 am #

    I think this is great. I also think a lot of people would be shocked at the amount of young Christian ladies who have struggled with porn too. It’s not something that should be saved to talk about with only sons, but it should also be addressed with daughters. Address the issue early on, be very honest with them, and make sure they know that true freedom is only found in Christ. But don’t think daughters have escaped this battle unscathed…..

    • dimensionthe5th April 2, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

      Thank you Lisa, for posting the comment I was about to post. Please make sure that you understand that this is not just for young boys, but young girls as well. I grew up around a father that left porn magazines and books everywhere in easy access. A young girl can easily become confused in looking at that and believing that is the way she is supposed to be,

  18. Kevin Hairston February 2, 2013 at 10:27 am #

    Brandon. You are on point. Coming from someone who is recovering from sexual addiction and intimacy anorexia disorder. I know at first hand how porn re-wires a person’s brain to replace true intimacy with God and a woman. Sexual addiction & Intimacy Anorexia has become an epidemic in our generation. The addiction cycle is worst than any chemical addiction for it can go hidden and un-detected for decades. I applaud you for boldly writing about this topic for so often it has been ignored within our tainted sexually saturated society. Men that are in the grips of this dragon, must reach out to get help especially for their family’s sake for it will steal, kill and destroy it from the inside out.

    A great source of help is Dr. Douglass Weiss of Heart To Heart Counseling or Cory Schortzman of Transformed Hearts. Sex, Men & God by Dr. Weiss or Out of the Darkness by Cory Schortzman. My wife and I are preparing to write a book to reach out to couples. I will keep you posted.

    Be Blessed,
    Kevin

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 8:19 am #

      hey kevin… you are exactly right. one of my next posts is going to be directed to men. i have always avoided it because i didn’t want wives/fiancees to put the guys on the spot and create a bad situation…. but if i do this right… i think it will be very helpful and create dialogue between those in relationships. thanks for your words of wisdom! i really appreciate it. peace… brandon

  19. Mom of Five February 2, 2013 at 11:18 am #

    Good article. Our kids are bombarded with sexual images constantly. I think some of the Hardee’s commercials could even be considered “soft-porn” if there is such a thing, and those commercials can be a conversation starter with our sons and our daughters.

  20. Mom of Five February 2, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    Also, just wanted to say, I have a friend whose husband became addicted to pornography at 11 years old (this is a common age for this addiction to start). He was never satisfied with her sexually, and always wanted her to do more and more things to measure up to the pornography he had been watching. She felt that she could never measure up, and she told me she could tell every time he had been watching it, by the way he treated her. She also told me, that every time he watched it, she felt like he was being unfaithful to her and wondered what was wrong with her, that he had to go watch that stuff. This went on for 17 year, and finally their marriage ended in divorce. So sad.

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 8:20 am #

      thanks for the post! i have heard so many of these stories over the last few days… and they completely break my heart. i hope to make a post soon that more directly addresses what you mentioned above. thanks for reading and for the dialogue! peace… brandon

  21. harrytrumper February 2, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    Reblogged this on Harry Trumper and commented:
    Amazing

  22. Jan Grace February 2, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

    Very good word, though not a popular word. I passed it on to our Facebook friends. Thanks also for checking out my blog. May The Lord continue to give you grace to speak His word with His heart. Jan

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 8:21 am #

      thanks for the kind word and for the blessing, jan! peace… brandon

  23. Cindy February 2, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

    It teaches that each time you watch it you become more perverse in your sexualization of men & women alike and both sexes become more & more objectified, increased lack of respect, less trustful, disposable.

  24. Anon February 2, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

    You should really watch the documentary Life After Porn. There are some people who end up in porn because of unfortunate life circumstances but a lot of people just enjoy and feel empowered by doing it. My husband and i watch porn together from time to time and our relationship is just fine. There is also plenty of porn that doesn’t dehumanize or objectify women, lots that prominently features men and also a lot that are realistic in terms of bodies and sexuality. You are watching the wrong porn.

  25. Chad Holtz February 2, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

    Brandon,
    I’m glad to have stumbled on your site. Good conversation piece here, and I pray your son (and others) heed the advice. I speak as one who had to learn the hard way after nearly 20 years of being addicted, which as you pointed out, led me down the trail of darker and darker secrets, affairs, and towards divorce and the estrangement of my 5 kids. Only God’s mercy kept me from death and destruction. I spent 7 months at a place called Pure Life Ministries which turned me around. This month I am celebrating a year of total freedom and my family is thriving. Praise be to God!

    I’ll be following your blog. Thanks for following my wife’s and I’s blog!
    peace,
    Chad

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 8:25 am #

      hey chad… thanks for the note! my son is only 19 months old at this point, even though I have two girls 13 and 10, but having a boy really made this stuff a reality. i am so glad to hear another guy talk about this. unfortunately your situation is completely devastating. I am so glad to hear that things seem to be turning around for you and congrats on hitting your first year! i will be praying for you along the way. let’s keep in touch! peace… brandon

  26. William February 2, 2013 at 10:52 pm #

    This article is great!! I like my wife naked as much as any man loves to see their wife naked. But I understand the importance of it only being she and I viewing each other. As a teen I also viewed porn sights and magazines . It gave me a very poor view of women and myself. I hope I can express to my children the importance of a happy marriage with God approving of their relationship.

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 8:27 am #

      that is awesome william! having a present father who is willing to have these conversations with the kids is so important. i am glad to hear you say that. thanks for reading and for the dialogue! peace.. brandon

  27. tsuLife February 3, 2013 at 1:04 am #

    You killed this topic, Bravo for taking it head on. Your son and future wife will Thank You. God Bless!

  28. Making Our Life Matter February 3, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    Wow. What a powerful post. It’s amazing how you really lay it all out there. My son is 14, and while I don’t think he has any idea about this, it is good to know that if it does come up, I have this to reference. Thank you for posting such a potentially controversial post.

    • brandonandress February 3, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      thanks for reading it… I really appreciate it. you know what is funny? I have been out of mainstream church for about eight years and I sometimes forget that issues such as this are still quite taboo to discuss in the church. I did a teaching series about 3 years ago on pornography and I could tell it was an issue that no one wanted to bring up… but once someone brought it up… people were eager to discuss. that has been my sense of this post as well. it seems that it is still too taboo to bring up… but once someone brought it up… everyone wanted to discuss. when I posted it… I didn’t expect for it to blow up like it has. I thought that people regularly talked about this kind of stuff. I guess not. I feel very humbled to be able to start this important conversation… and I hope that it continues and that many benefit from it. thanks for your kind note! peace… brandon

  29. Falen February 3, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    Yes. Yes. And Yes. I am sharing this post via every social media outlet I have. Thank you for posting this. I’m sick of hearing – “They’ll do it regardless of what you teach them and how hard you try to keep them away from it.” I’m not claiming that for the life of my boy. I want him to be armed with truth, not ignorant to risks.

    • brandonandress February 7, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

      thanks falen for reading and commenting. you are exactly right. i am not content in waiting until my kids are too old to talk to them about this stuff. i lie in bed with them at night while they are still young and talk to them about God, life, beauty, value, relationships, etc. truth is… their foundation is strong and conversations about sexuality become a natural outflow of where we have been over the years. easier to begin the conversation when they are young… then waiting until it is too late and trying to be reactive. thanks again! peace… brandon

  30. Pete February 4, 2013 at 9:05 am #

    When your list started with”porn will make you think less of others” I thought this was going to be a usless article. That comment is from a womans perspective and holds no truth. The “ever increasing hunger” and “unfair expections” comments are true however. Young boys will look at porn no matter how much we try to stop them. They need to be told and taught that this is fantasy not reality.

  31. Jane February 5, 2013 at 8:30 am #

    Thank you for this. I am currently going through a divorce because my husband is a sex addict. His addiction to porn started out just as you described, and it progressed to more risky behavior including having anonymous, unprotected sex with women and men. I only found out after our son was born. My greatest fear in this world is how this will affect our three year old son. This is truly a mission for me to protect young boys from this exposure, and I so appreciate the truth of your writing.

    • brandonandress February 7, 2013 at 10:03 pm #

      jane… you comment completely breaks my heart. over the last five days since i made this post i have had so many women write to me sharing the same story as you. it is absolutely agonizing. you have the opportunity, however, to set your son on an amazing course. please read my comment to Falen above. the foundation that you are laying now… is essential. thanks so much for sharing… and I just spent some time praying for you and your son. peace… brandon

  32. TerryJuniorHigh February 6, 2013 at 11:03 am #

    Brandon, Do you mind if I repost this with a link on my blog. This is excellent! I would love to do the same with the one you write for girls. My site is http://www.juniorhighministry.org

    • brandonandress February 6, 2013 at 11:17 am #

      terry… thank you. and yes, please pass it along! : )

  33. bigiufan29 February 6, 2013 at 11:27 am #

    Reblogged this on Thoughts from a Hoosier Fan in the Buckeye Land and commented:
    Very good article that parents should take the time to read. It would also be good for young men (high school & up) to read to bring into light the darkness of pornography. This article contains some mature content, but is an issue that is not going away. Read it and share it with other parents and friends.

  34. Trish February 6, 2013 at 9:50 pm #

    My marriage was destroyed and broken due to this ravage root that took over everything. I will be teaching my daughter so many things about beauty and value but one thing I know is I will teach her the value of wisdom in our choices. Wisdom is a guard, a path clearer and highlights truth. Choices effect others and lead us somewhere. We have the choice to choose blessing or curses; life or death.

    • brandonandress February 7, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      trish… my heart just breaks reading about marriages/families destroyed because of porn. please read my comments above to Falen and Jane. I would write the same thing to you. please know that i just spent some time praying for you and your daughter. peace… brandon

  35. Robin Stanley February 7, 2013 at 10:53 am #

    Brandon, your fight to save your son — our sons, our daughters — brings to light simple truths. Our appetites control our behavior. Once indulged, enough will never be enough, until the chains of bondage choke from our hearts their last breaths.

    Many of us, including me, turn our heads to the realities you mentioned, and we laugh about laughing at the newest sitcoms, the skin that now shows in the “family” tv hour, the superbowl ads that sell sex.

    When the geek gets what he wants, he wins, right? We all win. We cheer for him, the brave one who conquers his fear and captures his scant-clothed prize. The commercial becomes the buzz.

    The problem is, if we follow the back story of this young man’s life, he’ll now begin to seek other means to satisfy his awakened cravings. He’ll buy sex with a young woman, then two, and soon he’ll be living in the shadows, thinking he has the “right” to feel good about himself by “owning” a different woman every night. Those young women? They’re our daughters. Daughters whose discouraged self-worth led them to hook up with a smooth-talker at a coffee shop or at the mall. He made them feel loved, valued, treasured—with his words, with his touch. Then he took them to meet his “friends.” And he locked the door after them — from the outside.

    Sex trafficking is the second highest grossing crime behind only gun sales in the U.S. It’s no longer a problem that exists only in other countries, or even in other cities. It’s happening here. Our daughters — and our sons — need us to open our eyes to the realities of our fallen world. We need to be aware and not be afraid to engage in conversations, educating ourselves and educating our kids. Awareness is key. Stranger danger? You bet. But it’s not just for preschoolers.

    Moms and dads, please follow Brandon’s lead. Don’t be afraid. Strengthen your sons and daughters in the Truth. Teach them to guard their hearts. Develop a relationship with them that makes them feel safe to talk with you about anything. And in all things, love. Be tenacious. Be the love you want them to know. Show them love you want them to live.

    If this tweaks your heart, and you want to know more about the dangers our kids face to meet the demands pornography helped to create, may I recommend you check out Rescuing Hope: A Story of Sex Trafficking in America? It’s a project I helped to develop and publish. It’s gritty, real life fiction for young adults, based on the stories rescued girls shared with author, Susan Norris. I didn’t leave this comment to plug the book. Shoot, I didn’t even intend to say all I said. But some of you need to know about it. You also need to know you’re not alone. I’m a single woman with no kids, fighting with you. This is my heart. It’s God’s heart toward us. We’re created for community, to walk alongside each other in this journey home.

    Here’s a link for the book. Several different groups of friends are using it in their book clubs. If you want more info or links to organizations doing work in this arena, let me know. http://www.amazon.com/Rescuing-Hope-Susan-Norris/dp/1475966237/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360251502&sr=8-1&keywords=rescuing+hope

    Brandon, thank you. I clicked on this link when a couple of my friends from different circles posted it. I’m glad I did. Good to meet you. Keep on talking. Don’t stop, brave one.

    • brandonandress February 7, 2013 at 10:07 pm #

      fantastic response robin. i hope that your post has generated as much discussion as this one has and has also helped bring this important issue to the forefront. i really appreciate you passing along my words. i pray that God continues to use them. peace… brandon

  36. Robin Stanley February 7, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    Reblogged this on Robin Stanley and commented:
    I came across this post entitled “3 Things I Want My Son to Know About Porn” from Brandon Andress when two different friends from two different circles posted it to their facebook pages. It’s good. His fight to save his son — our sons, our daughters — brings to light simple truths. Our appetites control our behavior. Once indulged, enough will never be enough, until the chains of bondage choke from our hearts their last breaths.

    Many of us, including me, turn our heads to the realities he mentioned. We laugh about laughing at the newest sitcoms, the skin that now shows in the “family” tv hour, the superbowl ads that sell sex.

    When the geek gets what he wants, he wins, right? We all win, right? We cheer for him, the brave one who conquers his fear and captures his scant-clothed prize. The commercial becomes the buzz.

    The problem is, if we dare to follow the back story of this young man’s life, he’ll now begin to seek other means to satisfy his awakened cravings. He’ll buy sex with a young woman, then two, and soon he’ll be living in the shadows, thinking he has the “right” to feel good about himself by “owning” a different woman every night. Those young women? They’re our daughters. Daughters whose discouraged self-worth led them to hook up with a smooth-talker at a coffee shop or at the mall. He made them feel loved, valued, treasured—with his words, with his touch. Then he took them to meet his “friends.” And he locked the door after them — from the outside.

    Sex trafficking is the second highest grossing crime behind only gun sales in the U.S. It’s no longer a problem that exists only in other countries, or even in other cities. It’s happening here. Our daughters — and our sons — need us to open our eyes to the realities of our fallen world. We need to be aware and not be afraid to engage in conversations, educating ourselves and educating our kids. Awareness is key. Stranger danger? You bet. But it’s not just for preschoolers.

    Moms and dads, please follow Brandon’s lead. Don’t be afraid. Strengthen your sons and daughters in the Truth. Teach them to guard their hearts. Develop a relationship with them that makes them feel safe to talk with you about anything. And in all things, love. Be tenacious. Be the love you want them to know. Show them love you want them to live.

    If this tweaks your heart, and you want to know more about the dangers our kids face to meet the demands pornography helped to create, may I recommend you check out Rescuing Hope: A Story of Sex Trafficking in America? It’s a project I helped to develop and publish. It’s gritty, real life fiction for young adults, based on the stories rescued girls shared with author, Susan Norris.

    I left this entire comment on Brandon’s post without a shrug. Why? Because you matter. Because you need to know you’re not alone. I’m a single woman fighting for you, fighting with you, wrestling the enemy for the sake of your kids, your family. It’s my heart to speak the truth of God’s heart toward you, toward us. We’re created for community, to walk alongside each other in this journey Home. Thanks for inviting me into your life by clicking on the link to read these words.

    Here’s a link for the book. Several different groups of friends are using it in their book clubs. If you want more info or links to organizations doing work in this arena, let me know. http://www.amazon.com/Rescuing-Hope-Susan-Norris/dp/1475966237/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360251502&sr=8-1&keywords=rescuing+hope

    If you’re already engaging in conversations for awareness and protection, leave a note for someone else here, will you? Someone reading needs your encouragement and maybe your connection.

    • Robin Stanley February 7, 2013 at 11:24 am #

      Oh, ha! So THAT’s how a reblog works. I’m learning. ;)

  37. betterthanedward February 7, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    Oh. My. Goodness, Brandon! This was awesome! So blessed that you followed my blog so I was now able to come check out yours and find THIS! Praise the Lord! So powerful I Twitter blasted this post twice! So thankful He placed you in my path. Keep it up brother! So many men and even women, need to read stuff like this, need to discover the truth of porn lies, and just how terrible it is! An old friend shared a powerful Youtube video with me when I wrote a blog on porn (I Hate Porn: http://wp.me/p1yNGE-ad) The video can be found in the comments. It’s called “Dead Porn Stars Memorial” and shows how many of the women in these industries died from drug overdose, murder, and suicide.

    • brandonandress February 7, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

      thanks natasha… it seems as if God is opening up the floodgates in so many ways. i have noticed that it still seems too taboo for many Christians to talk openly about sexuality, and more specifically pornography. i think that many people are waiting for someone to just open the door to the topic. so thankful that God put the words in my head and into my fingers. thanks again for reading and for passing it along. keep up the good work in your direction. peace… brandon

  38. Brandy February 10, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

    I know this all too well. My born again husband was addicted to porn before we met. It has caused many problems in our marriage physically….currently working on prayer and healing. Thank you Brandon…men need to read and know this, especially the young ones. It’s a terrible problem that is quickly growing into a “disease” of the mind, like alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, etc.

  39. Chad February 10, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

    Brandon, it’s been great to see all the feedback here. I’ve been working on a 4 part series on my blog dealing primarily with self-gratification, which if left unchecked I think will hinder any move towards breaking completely free from porn. I have the first 3 parts up now. Part III, which covers practical things to “kill” in one’s life affected by this, is here: http://desiremercy.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/the-sin-of-self-gratification-putting-off-the-old-man-part-iii/

    blessings,
    Chad

  40. Richard February 11, 2013 at 4:11 am #

    I am only commenting on this article because the article was referred to me by a family member, with the referrer having no idea as to whether or not I watch porn. This is my way of saying I read the article.

    Also, before I get into anything, I just want to point out that I am not a fan of Christian generalizations. What I mean is that saying all of Group A are people that do Thing A/have Ideology A are necessarily going to have Consequence A…it doesn’t work like that. Weak minded people in Group A that do Thing A/have Ideology A will probably have Consequence A. I’ve been around it my entire life and it is rather annoying, which is why I am not a follower. There are so many more things I would love to say, but I have things to do.

    “Porn will make you think less of yourself and others”—All I’m going to say about your first point is that I think you ran out of points, and two points doesn’t make an article complete, so you came up with this one. Also, nice generalization. People that watch porn don’t think less of themselves for watching it, nor do they think less of others. Some people think more of themselves for watching it, some people think the same of themselves and some people think less of themselves. If you think more of yourself, you are an idiot. If you think less of yourself, you won’t do it anymore because they realize that you think less of yourself. Some people think more of these people that make porn, some people think the same and some think less. If you think more of these people, then they’ll go make publicly accessible porn themselves. If you think less of these people, then you are one of those people that aren’t watching porn. So, I think what you meant for your point to be is “Godly non-porn watchers will think less of porn watchers and those that make porn”

    “Porn will create an ever-increasing hunger for more”—Once again, nice generalization. It’s only an “ever-increasing hunger” for people that are so far out there that nobody will ever be with them. Yeah, there are documentaries on people that are married and can’t give up porn, but those people are the outliers, and outliers are not counted in actual studies. But I’m glad you think that all outliers have a much greater weight than the other 98% of the population.

    “Porn creates unfair expectations for your future wife”—
    “Porn is not real life”—If porn is not real life, then the Christian God is certainly not real life. Porn is more real than the Christian God.
    “It is a manufactured idea of sex”—I’ll give you that one.
    “So when you view pornography, this manufactured idea of sex will become your own idea of how sexual intimacy is supposed to be with your wife.”—Easy killer. I don’t know what kind of porn you’re watching, but the kind of porn I’m watching isn’t crazy bondage stuff. And you never know, maybe some wives would like for you to be into that.
    “Your wife will be compared to every woman in every video you have ever watched”—He who does this is an idiot. Those women in those videos are there for a purpose: to get you off. If you compare your wife to them, you can only be grateful that she is not like them, exploiting herself. So you can compare her that way. Your wife is live, on you. She makes you cringe your toes, pull your own hair, go wild. The mere fact that this article states that porn makes an individual make unfair comparisons to your wife makes this article so ignorant. I’m done with commenting on this point and all the rest…I’m simply tired of it. Oh I almost forgot to say it about this section, nice generalization in everything you said. You’re pretty good at generalizing. You must have been a Christian for a very long time.

    Also, porn may be the answer to what could save some marriages. Sometimes marriages need a bit of a spicing-it-up mentality, and watching a little porn to get sexual ideas may do that. Also, it’s free, rather than spending 100 bucks an hour to see a counselor to point you in the right direction about how to have sex. And if someone doesn’t have a good sex life, figure it out. It’s not that hard…well, actually, it should be ;)

    I do see that my response turned into more of a smacking what you said in the face type of a response, but there are so many things I could say that I could write a thesis explaining how to not write an article with fallacies, as nearly every point made has a fallacy at its core, just like any argument for or against religion. So I dare not write my feelings on everything you say…there is simply not enough time.

  41. Mel February 12, 2013 at 12:33 am #

    Thanks Brandon, something that I have become aware of lately is that pore/sexual addictions not only affects men but women. I know that it has become less taboo recently for men to discuss this topic between themselves and this is great. But i know their are women out there who struggle with this topic too and it would be great to relese the hold that it has on their lives just as much as it does for men!

  42. pnissila March 2, 2013 at 11:55 am #

    Your son is a fortunate little man. Stay the course, brother, and thank you for now “following” my blog. I hope I can be of encouragement to you.
    Phyllis Nissila

  43. Harbin77 March 3, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

    I thank you for this post, and I agree aftre raising twin boys and catching one of them looking at porn upset me to no end. He saw his farther break down and cry like a baby, telling him how porn had affected me and how I did not want him to grow up with the same guilt that I had. I also know that God has forgiven me for my past sins but I have not forgiven or forgotton. More men need to step up and talk with their kids both sons and daughters. God bless and have a blessed day

  44. bstew173 March 10, 2013 at 12:51 am #

    This is a great post sir!! I also read the guest post by LeVita Bailey. Powerful and moving stuff I guarantee almost no man knows about wives impacted by their husbands’ porn addiction. I have a son that struggles with it. He was introduced to it outside of our home and it hooked him pretty quick!! He has gotten a lot of help through Teen Challenge in Bonifay, FL but know he will struggle with it one way or another the rest for a long time-if not the rest of his life. The stuff is horrible. Thanks for this great post!!

  45. bstew173 March 10, 2013 at 12:53 am #

    Reblogged this on square1radio and commented:
    you cannot take porn too seriously when it comes to your kids. Here is a great post about this very subject!!

  46. Argus March 13, 2013 at 2:58 pm #

    Sex isn’t a spectator sport.

    I think the solution for the ‘porn problem’ would be to treat it like any other drug, with full and frank discussions when appropriate—coupled with genuine values. Timeliness would be vital, and a guard against peer pressure essential (which would come from true self-worth).

    Not easy in today’s world, it calls for real effort and compassion by all …

  47. katehobbs March 13, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

    Firstly, thanks for following my blog at faithspelledrisk.wordpress.com,
    Came to your blog and am finding your posts of great interest. My involvement with Living Waters, and the truth of my husband’s story, bears testimony to the destructive nature of porn.
    Thank you for sharing.

    • brandonandress March 13, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

      hey Kate… no prob! I looking forward to digging into more of your posts. thanks for checking out mine! since these posts on porn… I have had so many women writing me and telling me their stories about their husbands’ addictions and how they have destroyed their marriages. it makes me completely ache. if I can be a small part of spreading the word… I will continue on. thanks again! peace… brandon

  48. Serenity March 15, 2013 at 10:49 am #

    Reblogged this on Serenity's Musings.

  49. Sarah Myers March 15, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    You write about a very important topic and you write well. We need more voices about this important issue. Thanks for stopping by The Noontimes blog and following. It gave me a chance to visit your site!

  50. unorthadoxmomma March 18, 2013 at 12:23 pm #

    Yes, agreed. My husband was addicted to porn (unbeknownst to me) when we were dating and first married. It was a huge strain that started to lessen once it was confessed. It took a few years. And honestly I don’t think our marriage would have made it long if it wasn’t confessed and addressed. There have of course been many trials and attacks on our marriage over the years, but this thankfully is no longer one of them.

    This is one area that is of great concern to me with our 2 sons. My oldest is 7, and this is an area we will be having to discuss with him sooner than I’d like.

  51. penfrea March 23, 2013 at 10:41 pm #

    Excellent post. I was a Biblical Counselor in a church for many years and started a Celebrate Recovery. This issue is so pervasive. This is well written and speaks to the issue powerfully.

  52. spearman101 March 29, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    Brandon this is powerful. Have you thought about writing a book on this very topic? I’m an author/editor and I would love to help you put something like this together for print (if you haven’t already). If you have, let me know. I have men in my life who need to hear this provoking message. Well done. I’m glad to have met you.
    Toni

  53. Amy Duncan April 2, 2013 at 2:22 pm #

    Brandon, thanks for following my blog…this is a great post. Porn is mesmerism and addiction, for sure!

  54. Tom Vander Well April 4, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    Reblogged this on Wayfarer and commented:
    My followers know I don’t do a ton of reblogging, but this one is worth passing on….

  55. Lisa April 5, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    A family member shared this with me and as a mother of 5 boys (now all men) and former wife of a sex-addict (addicted to porn) I can’t even begin to tell you how much this article has touched me. The tears just keep on coming, as do the memories of the pain and anguish this addiction has caused me and all the loved ones in my life. Thank you so much for bringing this taboo subject out in the open for discussion, thought, reflection and education. I will for sure share this with my sons and continue to hope and pray that they make better choices than their father (who ultimately felt that his fatal cancer was the only way to “kill” the addict inside him). Once again praise God for your courage and willingness to share. God bless.
    25 years of suffering (in silence)

    • brandonandress April 5, 2013 at 9:08 pm #

      Lisa… wow. thank you so much. and blessings to you for the way God has carried you. I have been talking about this stuff for a while to my church… so I don’t feel very brave. but I am sure glad that I could be a voice in the wilderness and that God could use that in some way. I hope to write more about this in the future. thank you so much for sharing and for passing it along. peace… brandon

  56. betsyborchardt April 7, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    Brandon,
    Thank you for speaking out on an issue that is not addressed very often. You have keen insight into the issue of porn and I can see from the comments you’ve received on this post that porn is an evergrowing problem. The discussion you’ve startd here is important.
    Thanks for stopping by by blog and following it.
    Betsy

  57. dearbelovedsister April 9, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

    This is really a great post. Only tiny bit of comment, I find it very uncomfortable having to read the word porn over and over again. But if people are led to this post by SEO, then so be it. God bless your ministry! :)

  58. buttrflygrl14 April 11, 2013 at 4:42 am #

    Loved this! The heart of The Father reflected in this Dad! God’s grace gives great perspective! Grace and peace to you in Yeshua (Jesus) the Messiah!

  59. Carol Torres April 14, 2013 at 11:58 am #

    This is a fantastic article and I look forward to your next.

  60. DS April 14, 2013 at 5:12 pm #

    Thank you for sharing. I have been snared by the vortex or porn, and through God’s grace and the support of friends, I am untangling myself from it (in my blog I am keeping a log of this journey of recovery). I hope and pray that we can help others avoid this trap and if God grants me the privilege to become a father, I will sure borrow from your wise words in this blog to convey its dangers. Thanks again!

  61. hyme1 & mum April 15, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    Nice Letter please post another one from a mother to his son …Thanks
    Mama Hyme

  62. rolerrol April 16, 2013 at 1:52 am #

    Hi Brandon
    Thanks for this post. You have really exposed porn for what it is. I am not married yet and I don’t have a girlfriend but when I meet her I don’t want to have all the crap that porn creates. I want to be a man of purity because that is what God has called us to be. I have struggled with porn for a long time and I want it to come to an end!!!!! Your blog has helped a crazy bunch. Thanks a lot. Thank God for men who will stand up and speak about things that are rarely spoken about on the pulpit…..
    I needed to hear this!

    Rolain

  63. 18 year old from England April 21, 2013 at 7:03 pm #

    Brandon, I have just read this and like so many before I agree that this is a great conversation starter. But I have to say I don’t agree with you at all. You talk about porn as being disrespectful and objectifing towads women, you haven’t mentioned the men on those porn videos or even gay porn. It’s 2013, men and women are seen and should be seen as equal, so you can’t just pick out how porn portrays women. In most porn cases the women are happy to be there; that’s the style of life that makes them happy. You can’t say if that’s wrong or right.

    My parents didn’t beat about the bush whilst I was growing up. Once I was old enough to learn about sex I was told and bought books. It’s good to know what you to expect and the different changes that will go through your body as you will grow up; Especially if you were to develop some sort of illness (eg breast cancer), if you weren’t taught how would you spot the first signs?

    If you aren’t taught about sex and porn the correct ways, then once your old enough to be subjected to it you want to learn more and more and personally thats where I think it all goes wrong. I’m not saying I love porn or am addicted to it, I’ve only watched it twice. But what makes you think that you can make judgments and cast opinions on porn, when you haven’t allowed yourself to even try watching and enjoying it. Porn for some people makes relationship more successful, the couple are being more open and honest about their curiosities.

    I have many friends who watch it, and they aren’t self centered, so I don’t know where you got that from. And you say that porn itself is addictive and to blame when really it’s just as much the addictee. If you have an addictive personality then yes you may become addicted to porn, much like becoming addicted to chocolate or shopping. Fixations are unhealty but I don’t think you can blame the entire porn industry for these additions to porn. If you have an addictive personality you can’t help it! It’s part of who you are and you have to work hard to overcome it, but it’s natural.

    I don’t see the problem with porn, if you don’t want to watch it, don’t. And when your kids are older, if they wan’t to watch it, that is their choice. You can’t own their bodies and make their choices for them. If you strangle them they may just rebel and learn about sex from everyone but you. Wouldn’t you rather you told your kids about sex and the whole world extras that comes with it, not from gossip in school or online?

    • brandonandress April 22, 2013 at 6:09 pm #

      Thanks for reading and for the reply.

      I don’t want you to take me as disrespectful, because I mean it with as much respect as can be offered, but you sound relatively young without any meaningful dealings with those affected negatively by pornography (men or women). your positions come across as platitudes or nice ideas that others have taught you to believe… and that you now espouse without any sense of conviction or passion… other than having a keyboard in front of you and an “opportunity to now educate” the narrow-minded who apparently do not know it is 2013.

      I find it curious that you, as an 18 year old without children, have such a wealth of wisdom as to how kids ought to be taught about sex. I find it even more curious, and a bit presumptuous, that you draw the conclusion that I do not talk to my kid’s about sex but then accuse me of trying to “own them” and “strangle them.” You may be one of the most ridiculous commenters I have ever had on my blog. As a father of a 13, 10, and 2 year old… I assure you that I have spent quality time educating my kid’s about the “correct way” to understand and view sex… and I do it with love, gentleness, and care.

      And who is being judgmental?

      You need to educate yourself on what being judgmental actually means. There is not one ounce of judgment toward anyone. By your measure of “judgment” it would be inappropriate to guide my children away from murdering people because I would be construed as “judging” murderers. Give me a break. Your platitudes don’t stand up to logic and reason.

      Rather, I have taken my personal experience from the effects of looking at porn myself, my personal experience sitting with hundreds of men whose lives have been devastated by porn, and my personal experience receiving countless letters from women whose lives and families have been shattered by the destructive nature of porn. Passing on wisdom to my son regarding these matters is a far cry from judgmentalism.

      I will always believe that people are free to make choices and participate in any activity they wish… and I will love them all the same. but as a father who personally understands the pitfalls and potential consequences of pornography, making my son knowledgable of this sooner rather than later is the wise thing to do. And being that I have been doing this for over the last decade with my children, I don’t understand how you think I am ignoring it… and giving them over to only hearing about it through “gossip in school or online.”

      btw… it is apparent that you have a very monolithic idea about Christianity and who regards themselves as Christians. all of the assumptions that you hold about Christianity, and that you have subsequently levied against me, is the true definition of being judgmental. I don’t live in a cave. I understand that it is 2013 quite well. I view all people as equal and loved by God. I don’t “beat around the bush” about sex, nor do I try to “strangle” them with any laws or regulations. I love them unconditionally. I guide them gently with grace. and I forgive them for anything and everything that they do. while there has been much about the “Christian religion” that has been off base, you would be wise to not stereotype and judge every person who follows Jesus.

      peace…

      brandon

      • Lisa April 22, 2013 at 7:48 pm #

        Brandon — Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for so eloquently saying what probably so many of us wanted to say (but were too angry and dumbfounded to put into words without totally “losing it”!!). You really didn’t have to defend yourself but by doing so hopefully you have enlightened this young man (and if not,…at least you tried).
        Thanks again, Lisa

      • Bethany April 23, 2013 at 12:30 am #

        Bravo! Bravo! (standing up clapping)

      • adexoxox July 26, 2013 at 1:04 am #

        Touche. Thank you for addressing this commenter, as well. I’m currently reading the Bible in 90 days with a few friends. I’ve read it for over 27 yrs now, but there are chapters and scores of names and details I had skimmed, knowingly, rather hanging in the NT, because, well, it’s not as messy. Currently I’m in 2 Kings and the theme which keeps surfacing is this king and that king and this son of this guy may have followed God in most things, “but did not tear down the sex and fertility shrines to the sex gods, again, and again, and again”. A historical stronghold. And your post here, opening the conversation, and encouraging parents to educate their children and share God’s beauty and perspective about sex is the tearing down of those horrible sex shrines still very much established in cultures all over the world. But change comes one conversation at a time, like you with your sons. I want my kids to have amazing sex lives with their spouses one day, so as a result, we talk about how God created it, made it more pleasurable than necessary for procreation, and that beauty can result from it when we worship God with all of who we are first and foremost.

        Great thoughts here, Brandon! I feel as passionately as you do on this topic! Thank you so much for sharing! I appreciate your heart!

  64. Shofar May 30, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Reblogged this on God's Enduring Love and commented:
    I really wanted to just put this with X-RATED posts on my TAB BAR, but decided that this is so well written from a father’s heart, and descriptive of the real world we all live in today.
    SO PLEASE READ ABOUT HOW EVIL PORNOGRAPHY IS AND HOW SATAN IS USING SEX PERVERSION TO DESTROY OUR NATION! HOMOSEXUALITY, BESTIALITY, PEDOPHILIA AND OTHER SUCH EVILS ARE ALL IN HIS BAG OF TRICKS TO CONSUME ALL UNWARY PERSONS!

  65. zimsimon June 1, 2014 at 10:30 am #

    Reblogged this on Glory as Beauty and commented:
    Well stated & vital input.

  66. brandonandress June 22, 2014 at 9:46 am #

    as an FYI… i put all of my posts about pornography in one blog as an easy to access resource. here it is… http://brandonandress.com/2014/04/28/the-pornography-problem/

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