My Abortion

I had an abortion.

And it was a secret I was going to take to the grave.

My decision to abort was made in a moment of fear and panic and it left me destroyed for years by the horror and shame of the choice I made.

In silence, I carried a heavy burden of heartache.
In private, I struggled with intense guilt, shame, and depression.
I never talked about my abortion to anyone. Ever.

I suffered from symptoms of post-abortion grief and trauma.
I was depressed, anxious, self-destructive, angry, full of regret and always ashamed.
And I believed that I deserved all of the terrible consequences of my decision.

There wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t think about it. It was always there, always weighing on me. My choice haunted and negatively affected every single aspect of my life.

When I made the decision to abort, I turned my back on God, believing that I could never be forgiven for what I had done. Sure, other people could be forgiven for their sins, but not me. I had done the unthinkable. I killed my own baby. I selfishly took the “easy way out.”

It turned out that the simple solution to my problem turned into a living nightmare.

There wasn’t a single day that went by that I didn’t beg God for forgiveness. I remember sitting in church and even trying to “get right with God.” But the truth was… I felt like a complete fraud and never FELT forgiven.

Little did I know, however, that everything was about to change for me on one unsuspecting Sunday.

During this time, I was attending a church in Dallas, Texas. One particular Sunday morning there was an announcement that stood out to me on the big screen in front of the entire congregation. Among other announcements advertising various Bible studies the church offered, the slide that hit me like a wrecking ball was one for a post-abortion recovery group. Yeah, a post-abortion recovery group! I could not believe it! A church actually acknowledged that there could be women attending their church who previously had an abortion. Not only did they acknowledge it, there was actually a group for it!

Despite my initial enthusiasm and shock, I was very reluctant to make that first call. I knew I needed to go though. And so I did. I am still not sure how I mustered the courage to show up, but I did it. I nervously went to the first meeting.

At first, I thought the facilitators were completely crazy. They spoke of healing and restoration. They spoke of complete forgiveness and freedom from their abortions. I have to admit that I desperately wanted the peace they had, but didn’t think it was possible for me. My heart was too wounded and so hard.

But something was happening to me. Each time I showed up to the group, God would reveal Himself to me. Each week He began to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and make it whole again. I left the group, no longer defined by my abortion, but DEFINED by who I am in Christ- loved, forgiven, whole, and healed. What Christ did on the cross was truly enough to cover my sins, EVEN my abortion sin.

I love this truth from God’s word, “No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can take it out and make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. I can make you white as wool.”

That very truth became evident in my restored relationship with God and then in every aspect of my life. Only by the grace of God, I am whole and healed from my brokenness. And I cannot begin to explain all of the ways that accepting His forgiveness has liberated me.

God’s forgiveness is a beautiful gift. And it is a gift to ALL of His children – no matter the sin. We have all fallen short of God’s glory no matter how great the sin. Whether it is the sin of abortion or any other sin, we all need God’s forgiveness and the freedom from our sin that is only found in Jesus Christ. You may be reading this thinking, “Ok, God can forgive abortion, but he surely won’t forgive me for (fill in the blank).” That is simply not true. There is no sin that cannot be forgiven. Restoration and healing is what God wants for every single man and woman.

After my healing, I knew that God was calling me to minister to women, like me, who had an abortion. I knew that God wanted me to be public about my abortion and to proclaim His love, forgiveness, and freedom. God has given me complete freedom to speak on this issue through my own personal testimony and through His word, because there are still so many women bound up by the secrecy and shame of their abortions. God has used my story and testimony to free so many women from their own guilt and shame and to bring them into His loving grace that He so desires for them.

Finding this peace through a post-abortion recovery group is a life changing experience. As a facilitator I love seeing how God heals, and restores, and forgives. The compassion He pours out is so humbling. It is so incredible to see the transformation of broken women at the start of each study and how beautiful and redeemed they are at the end. That is why I am so passionate about post-abortion ministry and care.

It still seems surreal that I have been able to publically share the secrets of my past, but I thank God daily for the opportunity.

Sarah Lowry Dismore is the wife to Craig and mother to their three awesome kids. She is a photographer, singer, and most importantly a follower of Jesus, flawed but forgiven.  You can find out more about her and her post-abortion ministry at her website Someone Cares Ministry (http://someonecaresministries.com).

Someone Cares Abortion Recovery Group (someonecaresministries.com) from jonathan earley on Vimeo.

A Prayer of Reconciliation to the World

Somehow I forgot to post this when it was written in 2010. Of course it seems as relevant now as it did then. This piece is an excerpt from my 2010 book Unearthed: How Discovering the Kingdom of God Will Transform the Church and Change the World.

Father God,

Too many times we as Christians have been the loudest and most vocal voices and many times we have not represented or embodied the way, life, and teachings of your Son Jesus.

Our judgmental and condemning voices have become a poor representation of Jesus in the community and the larger world and have left many who do not know anything about Jesus with a bad taste in their mouths and a deep contempt for your Church.

Too many times we are quick to say that we are the “defenders of the faith,” or the “protectors of our Christians heritage.” Yet in our zealousness to defend, we have compromised the way of your son, Jesus, and have many times done it in his name.

Father we repent and ask for forgiveness, for we know that Jesus did not spend his time isolating and targeting special “sin groups” or trying to defend his positions through arguing and debating.

Father we ask humbly that you replace our ways with your ways.

For we know that the way of Jesus does not have to be defended; it must be demonstrated.

It never moves out in judgment; it moves out in love.

It never extends in condemnation to the world; it extends in grace and mercy.

The ways of arguing, defending, judging, and condemning always build up walls and embitters those in the world who are on the receiving end.

For every way that we as the Church have fallen short of representing you to the world, we ask for forgiveness.

Father, we are so eager to accept your grace, but are so unwilling to extend it. We are so eager to accept your love, but are so unwilling to demonstrate it. We are so eager to accept your mercy, but so unwilling to give it.

While we have known that Jesus did not come into the world to condemn it, we have believed that it is our responsibility to condemn it.

While we have known that Jesus said he did not come into the world to judge it, we have believed it is our responsibility to judge it.

While we have known that Jesus told his followers to “judge not,” we have instead decided to judge anyway.

And while we have known that Paul asked the Church, “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the Church?” we have instead decided that we should be the judges of the world?

God forgive us for not being like Jesus to the world.

Father, we need the strength to sacrifice our own wants, needs, desires, and pursuits.

Forgive us for the ways we have put idols within the Church ahead of you and your Kingdom.

Forgive us for the way we have worshipped facility and program over you.

Forgive us for the way we have followed human convention rather than your Spirit.

Father, we desperately need the fresh breath of your Holy Spirit to mold us and shape us into something useable and to open our eyes to the things that are not important to you.

We know that while we have been ignorant and negligent in understanding and extending your Kingdom, our calling and pursuit should be to model Christ by living and extending your Kingdom, giving ourselves self-sacrificially in love and service to the world, embodying a life of peace, justice, and mercy that becomes the yearning of all humanity.

Father, it is in this calling and pursuit that we have fallen woefully and painfully short. And it is because of our shortcomings with the world that we desperately need forgiveness.

Father, we need your power and strength to apologize to,and seek forgiveness from, any and all of those who have been on the receiving end of judgment, condemnation, or abuse from those of us who have labeled ourselves as Christians.

We deeply and prayerfully apologize and repent. We have not represented the love, grace, mercy, and heart of Jesus very well…and we desperately need your forgiveness and the forgiveness of the world.

To the atheist, agnostic, Jew, and Muslim, we prayerfully ask for your forgiveness.

To the homosexual, African-American, or any other minority that we have judged and oppressed in the past, we prayerfully ask for your forgiveness.

To the poor, enslaved, or victim of injustice, abuse, and neglect, we prayerfully ask for your forgiveness for judging you and turning a blind eye.

To every single expecting mother who sought an abortion, we ask for forgiveness for judging you and turning you into an issue and not demonstrating the lengths to which we would go to show you love, guidance, help, and assistance

And to every single person who has experienced anything less than the unconditional love of Christ from the Christian, we prayerfully ask for your forgiveness.

In Jesus name we as the Church in unity pray, Amen and Amen.

Jesus is Not My Bro

The beginning and focal point of the Christian and the Church must be Jesus Christ.

The crowning achievement of God is Jesus Christ defeating sin and death so as to pull heaven and earth back together under one head, initiating His reconciliation plan through humanity who has submitted to His way and His Kingdom. The celebration of the Ages looks centrally at Jesus Christ and the reestablishment of God’s rule and God’s reign throughout the entire cosmos. The towering pinnacle of the Ages is Jesus Christ breaking into the rogue kingdoms of the world and establishing a Kingdom to be the face of God’s love and righteousness in the world. It is in Jesus that the full reign and accomplishment of God centers and extends. God was pleased to have his very fullness dwell in Christ so that he might have reign and supremacy in all and through all.

[Christ] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.  Colossians 1: 15-20

And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ. Ephesians 1: 9-10

It is under the headship of Jesus Christ where we find the Body of Christ, the Church, the people who embody the union of heaven and earth, the people who are the first fruits of new creation, the people who are the first part of what is yet to be revealed. Christ, the Head, directs the workings of the Body. It is through Jesus Christ that the Church finds its purpose and fulfillment. It is through Jesus Christ that the Church moves in righteousness and holiness.

This is the magnificent accomplishment of God- that through Jesus He would finally have a people of His name and a people of His way.

It is under the Lordship of King Jesus that a Kingdom of loyal subjects has been established to extend His rule and reign throughout the world in righteousness and mercy in order to demonstrate and then to disciple others into this life of fullness and abundance. The infusion of and the connection to Jesus is the Life-giving exclamation to humanity that there is victory in the best and highest ways of God.

We, as individuals and collectively as churches, have become sorely disconnected from Jesus, and we have lost knowledge and awareness of His Kingdom. We have been walking in utter darkness with only glimpses of the light of Christ to direct our ways. We are hardly an entity that embodies the supremacy and majesty of God incarnate as a visible representation of Jesus Christ to the world. We have become incredibly passé and casual in our understanding of and our surrender to the might, power, and profundity of the God-man, Jesus Christ, and His in-breaking Kingdom. Our awe of the cosmic Christ who has reconciled the entire cosmos, including precious humanity, is significantly lacking and has been replaced by a very casual “Jesus is my bro” attitude.

Yes, Jesus is incredibly relatable on a personal level, but we are grievously lacking in a view in which Jesus is the supreme centerpiece and masterpiece of God’s accomplishment to whom we give our love, our lives, and our all.

The mystery of God is this…

That the One who is the visible image of the invisible God; The One in whom all the fullness of the Godhead dwells; The One who is the living essence of the Trinity;

The One in whom eternity lives, breathes, and has its being; The One who is before time;

The A to Z, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end;

The Firstborn of the created universe, who rose from the dead never to die again; The Conqueror of death, sin, and the grave;

The Creator, Savior, Redeemer, and Forgiver;

The One who holds all creation together in Himself;

The One who is the power of glory and might;

The Head, the authority, and source of the Church;

The One through whom and for whom all things were created;

The One in whom all things find their meaning and reality;

The One who reconciled all things in heaven and earth to God;

The One who nailed to His bloody cross every law, every rule, every regulation that would condemn the beloved people of God;

The One who is supreme in every realm and hold the first place in all things- the Son of the Father’s love;

The One whose significance is unmatched in human history; The One who hold the title deed to the universe…

This glorious, limitless, amazing, incredible, expansive, incomparable, marvelous, stunning, staggering, majestic, mighty, matchless, spectacular, outstanding, tremendous, immense, infinite, vast, grand, triumphant, victorious, precious, radiant, peerless, wonderful, magnificent Christ has chosen to place all of His fullness where? INSIDE OF YOU! Jesus Manifesto, Leonard Sweet and Franklin Viola

No one person or thing is as Life-Giving as Jesus Christ. The very fullness of Christ in our individual lives and in the life of the Church is all we need, nothing more. Yet we have weakened and cheapened- and in some instances removed- Christ in such staggering proportions that we are left longing for something that will fill us. It is no wonder that there is so much sickness with the individual Christian and within the Church. We have replaced that which is Life-giving with gimmicks, fads, and styles. We operate as if we have to “compete” with our culture and our society for the attention of the people.

Jesus is sufficient and does not need to be dressed or hyped up. He does not need a marketing campaign, slick advertising, or demographic studies in our churches. Reread the excerpt from The Jesus Manifesto above. Does it sound like Jesus needs bells and whistles to completely capture the imagination and blow the mind of every man, woman, and child? No, he doesn’t.

We are guilty not just of trying to dress up and sell Jesus to people, but of neglecting to simply present this mind-blowing and world-altering Christ! God forgive us. We are left longing for something, and many times we are not even sure what it is. We become “church shoppers” and “church hoppers” looking for something that will make us happy or fill the hole in our lives. After the “honeymoon period” is over in one church, we are off to another. Whenever the buzz wears off of the glitz and the glam, or when we figure out that these people are sinful and jacked up, it is time for a new buzz and a new group of people to hang out with. Our error in thinking is that we believe the next group of people will not fail us or hurt us.

Can we not see the sickness in what we are doing? Can we not see how misaligned we have become in our priorities? Can we not see how consumerist- and non- Christ centered- we have become. Can we not see how our churches have continued to perpetuate the consumerist sickness by offering a smorgasbord of everything while watering down, and in some instances losing, Jesus?

We so desperately need Jesus and Jesus alone, presented in all of His mind-blowing, mind-altering, awe-inspiring richness and fullness. We have become so misguided and misaligned in our attempts to fill the hole with unfulfilling junk, we have missed the most important and Life-giving thing.

It is only when we, as individuals and as then as churches, finally figure out that style, preference, and gimmicks need to die within our houses of worship that Jesus can once again stand alone in majesty and supremacy and take center stage for the filling of His people. When we finally figure this out we will begin to change the consumer mentality within our churches and the petty arguments between generations about the style of music and the types of clothes that we wear at church on Sunday. Our preferential interests will be eclipsed by a Christ-centered awe and celebration that we, as sinners can finally come together under His Lordship in one accord. It is when we hunger for Christ and His Kingdom alone that we will change.

We will finally be a people enveloped by Christ in every pursuit. Christ in our prayers. Christ in our worship. Christ in our psalms. Christ in the Lord’s Supper. Christ in our baptism. Christ in our fellowship. Christ in our solitude. Christ in our silence. Christ in our words. Christ in our testimony. Christ in our blessings. Christ as we rise. Christ when we work. Christ when we eat. Christ when we play. Christ when we sleep. This is the union of the believers to Christ in all we do.

When we join together in fellowship, Christ is the centerpiece. When we lift up our praises and exalt the victory of Jesus over Satan, the kingdoms of the world, and sin and death, Christ is the centerpiece. When we stand together and speak the Psalms in one accord as our prayers with Christ, Christ is the centerpiece. When we join around the table to commemorate the body of Christ broken and the blood of Christ spilled for the forgiveness of sins, Christ is the centerpiece. When we hear the Good News of the Kingdom of God proclaimed and preached, Christ is the centerpiece. When testimony is given, declaring that the Lord brought us out of slavery and bondage and into the freedom and riches of His glorious Kingdom, Christ is the centerpiece.

When we finally put Jesus back at the center of our lives, worship, teaching, preaching, prayer and testimony, the petty bickering, complaining, “church shopping,” and “church hopping” will cease, because we will have finally been confronted by, and will have found fulfillment in, Christ alone. When Christ, His ways, His teachings, and His Kingdom are made the centerpiece once again, we will be united in our churches with our brothers and sisters in Christ. The truth is that we belong to one another through the only thing that holds us together…the only thing we need. And what an enormously tight union we find in Jesus Christ and His Kingdom!